The FAT Website est. 1999
It’s not so much that I don’t understand why people find Adam Sandler funny, that I could understand (if you follow), its the fact that I don’t understand why I find him funny. Me, Roderick I. Nicol (I never tell people my middle name so they’ll think the ‘I’ stands for ‘the First’, as in William I, Henry I, Charles I, etc.). Me, who can remember quotes by famous people to justify everything from smoking to zoophilia. Me, who successfully petition to have CM Cipolla’s book struck from the 101-level history course reading list due to an error I noticed, involving an incorrectly quoted source due to a confusion in the Wade-Giles/ standard pinyin syllabary allocation rendering the source completely useless. Me, for whom that last sentence actually makes sense.
Anyway, I find Adam Sandler funny. I own all his albums. I watched all his films. I’m watching one now, in fact. Big Daddy. Not exactly the best film I ever saw, still, it makes me think. This kid’s had it bad. Parents abandoned him, all he can do is wet the bed and freak out. He’ll probably grow up to be a serial killer, like Joel Rifkin. Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode about Joel Rifkin? That was weird. I tried to get Justin to talk to me about Seinfeld by quoting a line or two from it, but clueless lover boy (a la Sophie, who by the way is updating on Livie’s site which no one told me, as per usual). But then I realised, he said not too long ago he’d never seen it, on his site, if I recall. Oh, and by the way, I don’t sound gay on ICQ. I sound cool. But please please please please don’t put me on your contact list. I’ve already had a Croatian anarcho-capitalist and a Japanese guy who spoke NO english add me to their lists. What were they thinking? That I’d be the Robspierre of Zagreb, or that I could make sense of the line “I SpeAking english because from childhood it shone like a stone magick”? Silly bastards. Well, in all fairness I could have just told them straight off that I can’t hold a conversation with more than one person at once, that’s why I ditched all those beautiful personalities on MSN, which you may have read about on FUBAR… anyways, I digress. As I lie here in the pool of my own depravity (I’m writing this on a laptop, on the floor, the keyboard is covered with cigarette ash and I’m high as hell- high, there’s irony, i’ve never felt low-er), the gentle melody of beer-empties as they roll against each other remind me of the wind-chimes my parents used to have in our old house in our old country in our old life.
Would you believe me if I told you I’m on the guest list for the biggest Garage/Drums-n-Bass event this year? The VIP list in fact. I visited a clubbing site, ages ago, when I came here, to learn more about it. Gradually, through cautious emailing and finger-on-the-pulse socialising, I have secured a place for my name on the VIP list. How cool is that? Cooler than the ‘Welcome to the Industry’ thing? Certainly less cheesy, anyhow. Well, it turns out the fucking thing is on the 12th, the day before my first exam, a major exam, which I HAVE to pass to continue to sophomore year. It’s weird that Americans came up with the term sophomore, considering they have 4 year degrees, it makes no sense. I mean, freshman, sophomore, final… makes sense when you’re in a three year degree, as I am in London. Anyway, I could discuss the stupidity of Americans for longer than George Dubya Bush could hold up a presidency. Did you know that they’ve already made a gay porn movie about the Florida controversy? I read about it in “Bizarre” magazine, it even has a character called ‘Pat Bigcannon.”
Hey, how come I don’t get listed as having an “attractive girlfriend” in the recent feature? Surely shome mishtake? Or, is there something no one’s telling me? In any case, I have nothing to say except that Coffee Republic got smashed up by anarchists and I missed it. Oh well, maybe next year.
BTW, pleased to see Mike on FWUK (sorry, I’m slow).
