“Hark! A terrible voice is sounding!”

No, you’re not hallucinating, this is a bona fide update from yours truly, the Rt. Hon. Roderick I. Nicol, Esq. I thought this site could do with an update that makes no mention of the tragically dull NZ barn-rave scene, so here goes…well, I’m here in lively Londonium, the city of dreary weather and even drearier clubs, the city that, like the Rolling Stones, lets even us whiteys feel hip in our own kinda half-assed way, the city where hip-hop gave way to garage, where ecstacy is already passe, where you can stumble outta bed high as fuck and still get a big-ass plate of bacon at 4 in the morning, I can’t tell you how pleasureable it is after nearly a month in ol Brunei, the Abode of Islamic Fundamentalism. Not that I don’t miss Brunei, there’ll always be a place in my heart for cold satay and even colder women, not that all the women are so bad, nudge, nudge. Sigh, I miss sitting round staring wordlessly at my friends, taking shots of warm vodka from wine glasses, listening to Crud (surely ‘Creed’, ed?), admiring the view from kate’s apartment whilst simultaneously contemplating the prospects of suicide for alleviating boredom, munching pistachios with the shells still on, drowning fag ends in the plates of curry sauce that come with your roti kosong, cadging drugs off fat, slovenly transsexuals, et cetera et cetera ad nauseaum.

Speaking of boredom, Edo… did you get laid (surely ‘make love’?) with kate? You better have, you sorry excuse for a dirty chinese man! I shall be ever so disappointed to hear of yet another failure at the most basic of human activities, so here’s a pointer for your future reference: sometimes, the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman’s cha cha. Nah, that’s just a plug for Justin, the only man on the web who can hold together a site without yielding to the temptation to stock his domain with testicticular audio files… no offence to Mike (not that he cares, he’s busy getting right the thing Edo couldn’t organise at an orgy). Speaking of crap music, Dan… what’s this I hear about you pissing away your musical talent on a kiddy-fiddler like Robert Miles? You have natural rhythm boy, that belongs when you ‘tomba’ (Swahili word, I think its onomatapaeic, ie sounds likes what it is) with a woooman, not in remixing the pisspoor gesticulations of an Italian DJ, for chrissakes, they’re the fools who gave us Eiffel 65!!! No offence, Matt, Italians are still the best when it comes to “gerrrrls… driynk bierrrrrs… smoake mahrrrry-wahhnaahh” (a la Jacobo). Oh, wait, you’re stuck in that shitty site, FWUKed in the ass (or suchlike), so I CAN offend you all I like. Ahahaha. Imagine, a soused Scotsman like myself being granted a carte blanche to update this kwalite site, and you’re stuck on that poo-hole of Edo’s fevered imagining. You don’t even live in the UK, for fuck’s sake! Sigh, but I digress…

Sorry if this is a rather aggressive first post but I’m a rather aggressive personality… now WHEN IS SOMEONE GOING TO GET ME ANNIE’S EMAIL ADDRESS???? I am losing patience…

Regards,
Roderick I. Nicol, Esq.